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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25249213">Demons In My Head</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaFlangstLairde/pseuds/DaFlangstLairde'>DaFlangstLairde</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bigotry &amp; Prejudice, Chaotic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Demonic Possession, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Drowning, Exorcisms, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kid Sides (Sanders Sides), Kid Thomas Sanders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Or Is It?, Panic Attacks, Parent/Child Incest, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Psychological Trauma, Religion, Religious Content, Religious Guilt, Starvation, Thomas is a kid with D.I.D. if that is unclear, Underage Rape/Non-con, almost but not fully, read the tags and the warnings, there is no death, towards those issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:14:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,194</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25249213</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaFlangstLairde/pseuds/DaFlangstLairde</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas has D.I.D.<br/>The people around him think he is possessed, instead.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thomas Sanders (Video Blogging RPF)/Original Male Character(s), just a little - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLEASE PLEASE read those tags!!! This is very heavy!</p><p>Warnings: Religion; Ignorance about mental health; Descriptions of panic attacks; Implied homophobia; Talk of demonic possessions, descriptions of exorcising; Heavily implied rape, pedophilia, incest; Explicitly implied parental abuse; Implied forced near-drowning and starvation;</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The priest behind the thin paper screen said nothing additional as Thomas got ready for confessing. </p><p>Thomas swallowed. His hands were sweaty and he felt nervous. He felt… guilty, naturally.</p><p>“On... On Tuesday, at school, I-I met this boy, and his name is David,” Thomas began in a shaky voice. He felt really weird, not only very anxious but… weird. He always felt weird when confessing, </p><p>“David has dark brown hair, and very light skin, a-and his cheeks are very pink. Which mom said looks good with his eyes, and his eyes are blue, and I agree with her, she’s very smart,” Thomas rambled. </p><p>Thomas’ hoodie felt weird on him. Like it was caging him IN, when he was actually trying to get something OUT. “And-and he wore a pink T-shirt too, which people say looks cute only on girls, but- but I thought it was very cu-cute on him,” Thomas said. He realized his own cheeks were flushed with a saturated pink. </p><p>Patton felt hot. He removed his hoodie and tied it around his shoulders. </p><p>“And- and I know boys aren’t supposed to be cute! I admit of my sin of uh… betraying the holy-ness and sanctity of marriage? I’m supposed to only like girls- and I do! I like girls! I don’t like boys! And with Daniel it was different than what it is with girls! But- but he- he-” Patton stammered, and he was finding it hard to finish his sentence.</p><p>Near the end of the day, Thomas saw the priest talking to his mom and dad. The boy couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but he felt nervous, anxious. He couldn’t remember what exactly he had confessed earlier, didn’t know how much he had revealed. </p><p>Thomas’ parents would be very very displeased if they learnt about Thomas’ secrets. Any of them. They’d have to punish him. A chill ran through Thomas as he imagined the punishment, just the mental image being enough to make tears prick at his eyes. </p><p>Punishments were always awful. Thomas could never quite remember them, but he remember their ends. When a punishment would end, Thomas was always in pain.</p><p>While mom and dad drove Thomas home, they didn’t say anything. Anything at all. Thomas felt anxious and he wanted to cry, but he knew he shouldn’t cry. He’s a big strong boy! He can handle a little silence! </p><p>...Thomas hoped they would at least turn on the radio. The sounds from the cars and people outside felt distant, fuzzy. Thomas couldn’t focus on their faces. </p><p>Thomas’ parents didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day. They said almost nothing to him for multiple days. </p><p>Thomas didn’t even know if they were mad. Many moments they seemed worried, too. And secretive - when Thomas would be murmuring something to them, they’d exchange glances in the middle of his sentence and he never knew why.</p><p>After reading passages from The Bible (most of them focused on weddings and love and- oh no- they must definitely know something- oh no-), Thomas would go to bed.</p><p>Only then would Thomas secretly cry. Only then he’d pray to Jesus, he’d pray that he stopped sinning, that his sins were forgiven, that mom and dad would tell him ‘good morning’ the next day.</p><p>-</p><p>Thomas was going to start panicking soon. </p><p>He could definitely HEAR the sermon. </p><p>But colors were too bright and everything seemed detached from from the rest, like everything was colorful shapes. Thomas knew what the combination of those shapes was meant to be, but they just couldn’t connect in his mind. And the sounds and words weren’t- he couldn’t process what they MEANT. </p><p>And so Thomas was panicking. His parents always asked questions at the end of the day, quiz him on what he has learnt. He had to remember what was being said! He had to think about it! Or his parents would get upset like they did some days ago.</p><p>But Thomas felt guilty. He couldn’t just panic, he’d interrupt the sermon like that. </p><p>Thomas looked up, and caught multiple pairs of eyes looking at him. Which kicked his mind into overdrive. His rushing thoughts suddenly crashed with a wall of haze. </p><p>Virgil managed to ease up on the hyperventilating, chipping away at his panic. He breathed deep, or as deep as he could. He eased back into the familiar haze, and Thomas was left with a deep breaths as the haze went away. </p><p>Thomas followed the deep breathing. The adults weren’t looking at him anymore. Only his parents. And the priest, for a couple of prolonged seconds. </p><p>Thomas briefly prayed to Jesus for his sin of interrupting the sermon to be forgiven, and for the priest to not speak with Thomas’ mom and dad again. </p><p>-</p><p>A lot of kids disliked singing while the youth group was together. They did it loudly, because that way it made the singing a bit more fun. </p><p>But Thomas was currently finding how much hidden enjoyment there was in singing!</p><p>He could make fun sliding with his voice as he sang, and it would be approved by the adults too! Maybe he will ask mom and dad if he can join the Church choir. That way, he would both be useful, AND have fun!</p><p>Thomas experimented in the middle of the song with the notes. He made them slide around or become shaky, and maybe he was being too loud! But! Who cares! This is so fun! Ehe! </p><p>Mommy and daddy would be so impressed! When Roman told them about this! They would be so proud of him! He would tell them “Mommy, daddy! I’m want tooo singg! Is fun! And I’ll do it in Church!! So that I can sing about Jesus!” and they would applaud him.</p><p>Roman giggled in the middle of singing as he imagined this, getting a couple of looks from the kids around him. Which? That wasn’t that fun? But doesn’t matter. He giggled again, and continued singing with a loud voice. </p><p>Those kids were just mean. Roman was just having fun! They were probably just jealous because all they did was whine about how annoying everything is. </p><p>He didn’t notice some adults from a bit to the side exchanging glances. Thomas didn’t know why his parents acted so weird at the end of the day, too. They sat down and had a serious conversation with him, but he didn’t understand what it was about or why they were so worried.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I don’t have a demon in me,” Thomas instantly said after his mom explained what was about to happen. “I don’t! Why would you think that?” he exclaimed, shaking his hand to get it out of her hold.</p><p>But then dad sent Thomas a glare and the boy stopped trying to get his hand out of mom’s.</p><p>Mom sighed and rubbed her forehead. Thomas bit his lip, feeling guilty for making her tired again.</p><p>“Thomas, sweetheart,” mom began, crouching down in front of Thomas, taking both his hands. They were in front of the Church already. “I know it seems that way to you. But me and you dad and our priest and your youth pastor - we have all noticed you acting odd. And you don’t seem to even remember it,” she began explaining again.</p><p>Thomas was shaking his head.</p><p>“We’ve consulted with our priest, and we all agree that this is the best course of action. We mean the best for you, my sweetheart,” mom said, gently cupping Thomas’ cheek. “It will be nothing scary. You know how we pray before breakfast? It will be like that. They will pray over you and perish the demon, and you will be fixed, and it will be a lot easier for you,” she spoke softly.</p><p>Thomas swallowed. He would know if there was a- a demon in him! He would! And he knew there wasn’t one.</p><p>What would happen if there wasn’t a demon in Thomas? Would Jesus punish Thomas for pretending? Or would it mean that Thomas himself is a bad person?</p><p>Thomas wasn’t a bad person. He couldn’t allow everyone to think he was bad. He had to make-up a plan.</p><p>...what if he just pretended like a demon left his body? It couldn’t be THAT hard… right? Just act really evil when the exorcist is praying, and then… stop?</p><p>Yes. That is what he was going to do.</p><p>Thomas swallowed his tears. Mom gave him a smile at that, and dad nodded approvingly. They lead Thomas over to a room that looked pretty normal.</p><p>It looked very close to the room that they prayed in, but there were no things like the rows of benches. There were just a couple of chairs in a circle, in front of a podium. And in the middle of the circle was a chair that was facing straight at the podium, and at the massive wall of stained glass behind it.</p><p>There were already people in the room, including the priest and Thomas’ youth pastor.</p><p>Thomas was lead over to the chair in the middle. He sat down on it, and his dad lightly tied up his arms and legs to the chair, with the help of an unfamiliar woman.</p><p>Thomas couldn’t help but reflexively tug at the restraints. Did they think he was dangerous? He had never hurt anybody! He had never even tried to! Why would he want to hurt his own family?!</p><p>Or were they careful so he wouldn’t escape? ...it made sense to think a demon would try to run away from a Church.</p><p>As Thomas thought, everyone around got into what he assumed were their respective positions. The priest was at the podium, and there was a second man who was the only other one not sitting.</p><p>His mom and dad sat in chairs that Thomas could see. The other people sat in the other chair.</p><p>Both the priest and the man had big crosses in their hands. The man held a large metal container. From the little Thomas could see, inside was water and some sort of plant.</p><p>The man and the priest began chanting in one voice. They called for the blessing and mercy of Jesus, who is all good, to spare this child and banish the demon inside it. For the demon to finally come forth and reveal itself, and end its deceptipon over the poor child’s heart. They sprayed Thomas with some of the water.</p><p>Meanwhile, Thomas sort of just looked around cluelessly. Was he supposed to do something right now..? Or later? This whole situation felt vaguely unreal. He only felt distantly tense, and so he wasn’t sure how to react.</p><p>The priest and the man (who Thomas now assumed to be the exorcist) continued with their chanting.</p><p>There was a lock of hair falling in front of Thomas’ face that was wet from the holy water, and thus stuck to his forehead. It felt uncomfortable. He tried to inch his head to his shoulder in some way, so he could brush the lock aside. </p><p>Unfortunately, the priest and the exorcist took that as sign of the demon finally rearing its head, causing the body to spasm. Thomas… couldn’t really focus on their words now. He realized he was grinning? How had he not noticed? It… didn’t feel like he was in is own body. </p><p>Thomas was beginning to hyperventilate. Oh goodness, what if there truly was a demon possessing him? How had he not noticed? Had he hurt somebody and not even remembered it? </p><p>The quick breaths came out as a breathy laugh. Thomas didn’t laugh. He didn’t intend for it to be a laugh! Why was he acting like this? </p><p>Was there truly a demon in Thomas? </p><p>-</p><p>Thomas woke up…? It wasn’t really waking up, since he hadn’t really fallen asleep. But he raised up his head and blinked rapidly. He rubbed his eyes and- oh, his hands were untied. </p><p>...oh goodness, right! He- there had been an exorcism! Thomas instantly tensed - he was still at the Church, still in the chair, now untied, his family and the others were still around him. They were smiling… </p><p>“How do you feel my boy?” asked Thomas’ dad, and Thomas smiled at him, albeit a little awkwardly. “Good, I think,” Thomas replied. He didn’t really feel anything besides relief that the procedure was over already. Or at least he hoped it was over.</p><p>“I feel a little tired,” Thomas admitted, to which his mom nodded. “We’re going home now, and you can nap there,” she told him. </p><p>Thomas almost fell asleep in the car as they drove home. </p><p>The moment Thomas was home, he went over to his room and laid on his bed. He spared time only to dress in appropriate clothes. </p><p>As he was getting dressed in pajamas, dad came in the room. “Hey boy,” he said. </p><p>Thomas looked at dad in a silent question, and dad sat on Thomas’ bed. Dad seemed to feel awkward for a few seconds. </p><p>“Your mom and I punished you a lot about what we thought was your actions. But now we know better. There was a demon inside you. And…” dad trailed off. </p><p>“...and I just wanted to tell you to not take those punishments to heart. They were for the demon, not for you.” dad stated. “But! If you ever commit any sins, you will be punished in the same way,” dad warned. </p><p>Thomas couldn’t look at dad’s eyes. It was unfair that he got punished for the actions of a demon. </p><p>But at least Thomas was a good person due to those punishments. He knew to be good. </p><p>“Thank you, dad,” Thomas murmured. Dad smiled and patted his lap for Thomas to come sit. Thomas went over to him. Dad kissed Thomas on the forehead, and Thomas returned the gesture by kissing him on the cheek. </p><p>The world was hazy again, Thomas noticed. </p><p>It took the kid a couple seconds to process how his dad was kissing him in other places, too. </p><p>Thomas probably fell asleep after that, because he couldn’t remember anything else. He woke up and was in pain. </p><p>Thomas cried. He had probably done something bad again, and couldn’t remember it. And he had been punished again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Where are we going?” Thomas asked for the millionth time. His parents were driving him somewhere, but they hadn’t said where. They hadn’t said anything. </p>
<p>But soon enough they were turning the corner, and Thomas saw their Church in the distance. </p>
<p>...why Church? It wasn’t Church time. </p>
<p>“Why are we going to Church? It’s not time for it,” Thomas asked. “You don’t need a specific time in order to praise our Lord, Thomas, you are supposed to do it at all times,” dad finally replied, making Thomas hunch his shoulders because of his tone. </p>
<p>They arrived, and Thomas was lead inside. But he wasn’t lead to the usual praying room. </p>
<p>It was a room with a podium, a stained glass wall, and a circle of chairs. With a big cross laying in the middle of the circle. </p>
<p>Thomas tripped over his feet when entering through the door, and mom’s hand holding his was the only thing that kept him from falling on his face. </p>
<p>“Why are we here? What are we doing? Why do I need to be here?” Thomas rambled, panic building up. Dad glared at Thomas, and the child instantly shut up. </p>
<p>Mom lead Thomas to the big cross, holding his hand tight so Thomas couldn’t tug it away. The child was pushed down onto the engraved wood. His dad and that same woman from the previous time tied him up. </p>
<p>This time the ties were tight. This time, Thomas was laying at an angle, looking up at the dome-shaped, painted ceiling of the Church. </p>
<p>Janus mentally frowned. He had failed at his job. He was meant to hide everyone and protect them. But here they were, the body tied to a cross. Janus had to make a quick decision of who to put in the front. </p>
<p>Janus may have somehow failed at hiding everyone. He hadn’t spotted a single issue, so he didn’t know HOW he had failed. Perhaps he had to become more extreme in his ways. He didn’t understand why these fuckers were going to torture the poor kid again. </p>
<p>Had they somehow found out about Thomas talking with David against their orders? Had someone told them about the kids picking on Thomas and they had noticed he didn't remember? </p>
<p>Janus had tried so hard to manage being secretive. To notice hints and changes in attitude. And he had failed.</p>
<p>But at least Janus could keep the memory of all of it away from Thomas.</p>
<p>Remus was put to the front. He had done excellently at being a demon last time. Janus had hoped Remus’ dormancy would last forever, but apparently he was needed again. </p>
<p>The exorcist put a towel over the body’s head and drenched it in holy water. That made the body almost drown. The body was left to starve on the cross for for the next two days. The only thing allowed for consumption was the nasty mixture of water and herbs and whatever there - the one that they called holy water. </p>
<p>Remus handled it all well. And then Janus and Logan were finally able to kick him away from the front. They allowed a crying and confused Thomas to come to a body in pain. Finally, FINALLY, after multiple hours of the child crying and begging to go home, Thomas was untied from the cross. </p>
<p>And Thomas didn’t understand what was going on. It turned out he couldn’t remember the last two or three days. His whole body hurt. He was starving. </p>
<p>Thomas didn’t understand why his mom sobbed as she finally got him home. When they got home, Thomas was allowed to eat pizza, he and his parents cuddled on the couch and watched some movies. </p>
<p>Thomas couldn’t look his parents in the eyes. </p>
<p>Why were they comforting him? They were the ones that had wanted this!</p>
<p>He now knew how little they truly cared about him. </p>
<p>They had allowed people to hurt Thomas. He knew it was for his own good. He didn’t want to have a demon inside him! </p>
<p>...but mom and dad had allowed Thomas to get hurt. He knew, he just knew, that they had hurt him, even if he couldn’t remember it happening. </p>
<p>And Thomas didn’t want to get hurt.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Janus and Logan tried their damn hardest to hide everyone. </p>
<p>They couldn’t allow more hurt. Whenever the father or mother would try anything, whenever the priest said anything hurtful, Thomas would be distanced from it. </p>
<p>Logan would keep the memory archive, and decide who remembers what. Janus was responsible for controlling who is using the body and for keeping everyone’s acting smooth and unnoticable. </p>
<p>Thomas would grow up to be a functional child. Even if his true parental figures were actually fragments of his brain, because his biological ones were completely horrible, Thomas would grow up. And said fragments would care for him to the best of their abilities.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I do NOT have D.I.D. and I have NOT ever been a part of such extreme religious beliefs, so none of this is from personal experience. However, I did do extensive research on both D.I.D. and exorcisms; and I consulted with two people, both of which shared their religious backgrounds, and one of which reviewed my portrayal of D.I.D. judging from their own life with it</p><p>But - if you have anything you want to say, please comment! Whether feedback, criticism, analysing and theories, etc, leave a word or 200 down there!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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